[Dramatic narrator voice with unnecessary reverb]
“This is the story of Chad McBigschlong, an experienced cave diver with 12 whole dives under his belt. On Tuesday, he decided to explore the Satans Blender cave System - specifically targeting the notorious ‘Passage of Infinite Regret’ that connects to the ‘Tunnel of Certain Death.’”
3D animation shows stick figure swimming toward obvious skull-and-crossbones cave entrance
“Chad descended 847 meters down the ‘Throat of Perpetual Darkness,’ then made a sharp left into ‘Silt-Out Sorrow Boulevard.’ But his real destination was the legendary ‘Tunnel of Certain Death’, which earned its name for good reason - it features zero visibility, a 90-degree downward turn into an air pocket filled with toxic gas, followed by a maze of passages that all lead to ‘The Room Where You Realize You’re Going to Die.’”
Crude diagram shows increasingly narrow tunnel labeled “NO SERIOUSLY DON’T”
At 3,847 meters into the cave - which is coincidentally exactly 1 meter past the ‘Point of Absolute No Return’ - Chad encountered the legendary ‘Tunnel of Certain Death’. He entered it and crawled for 700 meters until, at 2:47 PM, he found himself in the the ‘Passage of Immediate Fatality’. By 2:48 PM, he had become the 201st fatality, found later in the exact same spot as the previous 200 victims.
His body was recovered 847 years later by a team of necromancers, exactly 0.3 centimeters from a secret exit that would have led directly to a Starbucks