So I was strolling past a burning garbage can the other day, and at the corner of my eye I spotted a piece of paper with the words “CM MOVIE TRAILER” written in all caps on it. I managed to quickly snatch it and take it home. I reconstructed the paper and managed to turn it into computer text form. Have a read.
Joe Marine: So let me get this straight.
Suspenseful music plays
Slow zoom in on the USS Almayer
Joe Marine: We’re in unknown space territory.
Drums and a singular piano note play
Cut to a shot of a CO, his back turned and his hands crossed behind his back
Joe Marine: I’m fighting FREAKING ALIENS.
Cut to a marine getting killed by a xeno, but the xeno is obscured.
Joe Marine: Yeah, okay, I guess that’s what I do now. Kill aliens.
Music stops, and camera cuts to Joe Marine revealing he was talking to a cat.
Cat: Meow
Joe Marine: * sighs * And im talking’ to a freakin cat!
Highway to hell starts playing
Black screen with large bold text comes on screen with the words: THIS SUMMER
Joe Marine putting on his shoes
Black screen with large bold text: YOU’RE GONNA SEE
Joe Marine putting on his armor
Text again: A MARINE MAJOR
Joe Marine cocking his shotgun
Text saying: Chris Pratt, as John Marine
Cut to Joe Marine and Jane Johnson shooting and spinning in a circle, their backs being glued to eachother
Text saying: Zendaya as Jan Johnson
Cut to 5 hours before, in the dropship.
Jane Johnson: You sure you can handle the dropship, private?
Joe Marine: * Laughs and smirks * Theres nothing that i can’t handle.
HIIIIIIGHWAY TO HELL
Cut to dropship flying under the camera, towards LV-624, slowly fading out.
Shot of shoes stomping off the dropship, the camera slowly going up, revealing its Joe Marine
Joe Marine rushing to colony medbay with his gun drawn
Suddenly Joe Marine gets a ping on his motion detector, and shoots in the direction of the ping
Music cuts and the camera goes back to the almayer, pre drop
Jane Johnson: Are you positive? I saw you not handle those enchiladas well.
Joe Marine: * Holding an enchilada in his hand and eating it * Umm, i have to go to the bathroom
Jane Johnson: * sighs *
HIIIIIIIIIGHWAAAAY TO HELL
Cut to Joe Marine shooting down xenos while the camera turns around him and slowly zooms in, each xeno dying horribly
Text saying: Jack Black as Cooper Marshall, the comic relief character
Cooper Marshall: Joe! Retreat! We’re wiped!
Joe Marine: The only thing wiped here will be xenos. Now im runnin’ there to save Jane.
Joe Marine runs into the queen headfirst, and screen cuts to black while the music is still playing
Music cuts and turns into a suspenseful tune
Cut to a boxing ring made out of resin; in one corner Joe Marine; in the second one, a lesser drone.
Joe Marine: You want me to fight the lesser?
Suddenly a hugger jumps on the lesser, and the queen hisses
Xenomorph Queen: Lesser jockey
The lesser and hugger suddenly bash Joe Marine and screen cuts to black
I’m on a HIIIIIIIIIIGHWAY TO HELL
Cut to Joe stabbing a xeno with his knife as he gets pulled back.
Joe Marine: EAT A BREATH MINT UGLY
Joe Marine throws a grenade in the xeno’s mouth and it explodes
Joe Marine: Thats that.
HIIIIIIIIGHWAY TO HELL
Bold text makes a large boom on the screen, cutting the music: CM THE MOVIE
Small text under listing the year 2183
Not sure who made is but i think this might be real.
