A few months ago I got my first real ban on this game for 7 days over calling myself the R-word in OOC. I’m not apart of the discord so I wasn’t aware that was considered a slur and I’m the only person I know (Other than introducing my nephews to this game) that plays so I remained unaware until I got banned.
Immediately I thought it was like a mean joke played on me I didn’t think it was a genuine ban and joined the discord and found the admin who banned me and asked him why he banned me in a PM because I didn’t understand and made it clear it feels like he’s playing a mean joke on me or something. Didn’t even think of looking at the rules there because I still didn’t comprehend this was an actual offense. He didn’t bother to reply so I appealed on here being denied for using hate speech.
“Seven day bans issued for slurs or homophobic behavior are not appealable and must be served out in their entirety. If you believe the ban was wrongfully issued, contact management.” I can’t describe how this response slapped me in the face. Feel free to look at my denied appeal if you’re curious, all I did was say my bad I am r-tarded because I straight up asked an admin in OOC why my character wasn’t spawning with a prosthetic arm and he responded telling me it says right there you have to be a certain rank.
So I tried contacting management not to be a Karen of sorts I just felt like this was wrong in my heart as cheesy as that is but that led nowhere. The best I could do was have it clarified to me what the ban says next to my name for my own piece of mind which I guess kind of helped, because they responded that time and kind of worked with me a bit. So that was it, I served out my 7 days and hopped on a week later.
Thing is, it just didn’t feel right. I don’t know how to describe it I just didn’t feel the magic anymore. I played a round and hopped off, getting on the next night and just getting off after a few minutes. I tried to play within the following weeks but all I could think about was how the staff handled this every time I loaded it up. I thought about how any staff who sees that 7 day ban on me would just get a good laugh out of it probably instead of looking down at me as a rude person and that didn’t make me feel better either. I didn’t feel respected in this community over that silly interaction.
I know most of this is in my head, I’ve been playing this for about 10 years and am the equivalent of a lurker because I don’t join the communities, or try to talk to people outside the game I guess. I have friends I see in-game I don’t even knows real names that I’ve been playing with for such a long long time now. My character Tymbo “Ocelot” Orutan is the mute of Alpha squad, I hardly speak and mostly communicate with gestures like *stare or *thumbs up things like that. But the sense of comradery I’ve always felt with you guys even in my limited way has meant the world to me when I needed it, it was always there. Now It’s not.
I just don’t feel it anymore, I don’t feel that magic that sense of we’re all a bunch of strangers being friends doing something together we like. I know that’s 100% still there and going on but I feel… Like I’m not apart of the family anymore? I don’t know. It’s a weird sensation one I don’t like. I feel as if I was treated poorly and nicely told to just deal with it. I want to ignore all of that and just play and I have tried I can go through a whole round but I’m no longer focused on immersing myself and finding opportunities to drop some humorous behavior and roleplay out my character anymore. It sucks, it really really sucks.
The worst part of it all - Every single time I hear that word I think of CM. It makes me mad sometimes makes me sad, brings an array of annoyance I mean how could it not? I played consecutively every night after work a lot of this year and the last at-least 1-2 rounds if not all night. The urge to hop on and play with my friends whom I only know on here is dead and I utterly hate it. I only decided to write this because I was watching a youtube video where this guy said the r-word and I immediately thought of CM and told myself I should just play it and make myself get over this already I loved that game I can’t let this interaction take something I’ve cherished away from me so easily. I didn’t even want to after loading it up and getting my gear I just quit going back to youtube and that really sucks for me and me alone.
I hope that it’s a temporary feeling but CM is forever attached to the word R-tard in my mind now every time I hear it I can only think of how this whole situation was handled and reinforces me not wanting to step foot back on the Alamayer.
That’s it, I just wanted to get this off my chest. And uh, if anyone’s was wondering where I am - I’m still alive and I love you guys, thankyou for all the good times and good vibes I just don’t want to play anymore.
