Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Though a combination of bootlicking, blackmail and most unforgivable of all, LYING on my Resume about my work history I have managed to join Every Law Enforcement Agency in the Sector, though obviously not all at the same time. I’ve served under everyone from sadistic warlords, cold-hearted bureaucrats, cruel and indifferent CEOs, and perhaps most rare of all, Men and Women of integrity and honor. So join me if you wish as we take a gander at the Lawmen and women of the sector, and try and figure out just where they land on the alignment chart, and whether or not our tax dollars are being put to good use.
This program is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are guilty until their appeal is accepted or Delta alert is raised. Viewer Discretion is advised.
The Chief of Military Police and Warden- “The difference between a normal policeman and a military policeman, is that a military policeman deals with trained killers.”
The second most famous Dynamic Duo on the ship after the Commander and XO.
You might think that the CMP would be something of a desk jockey or pencil pusher like actual police chiefs, but constant staff shortages make him one of the most active department heads, with his participation in raids or arrests not unusual.
RP for the CMP seems pretty standard with them usually being some variant of the stern and humorless asshole devoted to the law, whereas the Warden is much more varied.
RP I’ve seen from the Warden: Stoner lighting joints in the bathroom, light hearted prankster, NYPD Da Bauss calling you a loose canon, Frank Drebin style comedian, Irish Copper, and Al Pacino in HEAT.
The Chief MP is almost always the most paranoid person onboard, and considering I’ve seen them faced with everything from terrorist attacks, assassination attempts, UPP infiltrations, and a full goddamn W-Y bridge takeover once, I can’t say they’re wrong.
The crew hates him until they need him, and when they need him they need him now.
Hates the Shitter MP with a white hot passion, knows he’ll write a Provost fax before OP ends.
Dreams of putting the CL against the wall and just shooting the bastard.
The Warden and CMP both embody the “When it rains it pours” saying, and the Almayer doesn’t have shitstorms, it has shit hurricanes and monsoons.
JUST woke up? There’s a CLF survivor somewhere onboard, a larva is loose in the vents, the MT’s have kidnapped Jones and are demanding ransom, Req is under Marshal investigation for black market activity, Research has made Greenos without permission and the Provost and W-Y lawyer teams are on the way after the cadet force fed the CL monkey cubes again.
I can actually see him struggling to not lose his shit then and there.
Good Luck First Lieutenant
Riot Police ERT- “The Revolution will not be televised…”
Probably the rarest of the admin spawned groups, I’ve seen more of Dutch’s Dozen and the HEFA Knights than these dudes.
With beanbag tactical shotties and gas grenades, they’re here to turn the Almayer into the galaxy’s largest hotbox and TBI treatment center.
Not sure I’ve ever seen them in action, mutinies are pretty rare these days.
They’re still on the books is seems, at least judging by the frenzied faxes sent by CIC after the Unga’s get PO’D enough to start breaking into CIC.
A remnant of an older more uncivilized era.
The USCMC Provost Marshal- “Extremism in defense of liberty is no vice. Moderation in pursuit of justice is no virtue.”
In reality an arm of military law enforcement that handles everything from paperwork for car registration, handing out parking tickets, investigating crimes, to dispatching SRT (pretty much MP SWAT) teams to high risk environments.
In game it seems to have morphed into a sort of counter-espionage clusterfuck in the vein of Halo’s ONI, Star Wars ISB, and OG DS9’s Section 13.
A proud inheritor of the Hugo Boss 1930-1945 fashion lineup.
Seriously the Marshals outfit fucking sends me, to whit, Black Uniform and Jacket with Dark Red trim, peaked black cap, and red hudglasses.
I’m not sure if the Marshal is here about a fax or to enquire if I’m sheltering enemies of the state.
If he started monologuing about the glories of the Galactic Empire or the dangers of Heresy I wouldn’t even blink.
RP has sort of coalesced around this sort of sinister G-man or CIA spook entity mixed with a 40K Inquisitor, always has an aura of mystery and danger about him.
If this is how the fucking Provost dresses what’s the Commandant like? Does he dress in all black robes and demands to be addressed as “My Lord”?
Tends to show up with a team of enforcers as bodyguards, with them being easily as dangerous as most other Deathsquads.
I just wonder if he dresses like that in the office, or does he just lounge around in PJ’s and bunny slippers when not on call.
Imagine your boss going around looking like that. “John are we the baddies?”
Honestly the guy is looks like a cross between a SS officer and a Witch Hunter.
I’d laugh if I wasn’t strapped to a chair after getting my ass beaten, and the Marshal has just decided to play Russian Roulette on me with his Mateba.
I don’t mind getting my toes clipped, but could there be some sort of “opt in or out” button before I get graphically tortured?
He just added two more rounds to the chamber.
His power doesn’t lie in his ability to kill anyone on the ship, but his eagerness to do so.
Provost Inspector and Provost Enforcers- "You may not love the fucking IG, but the IG loves fucking you."
The poor person summoned by either the shitters multiple whiny appeals or by gross misconduct by the MP department, things like the cadet accidently beating someone to death or the Warden throwing a CLF agent down the ASRS shaft (deserved).
RP is usually that of a quietly pleasant but professional bureaucrat.
Not here to make friends but to straighten out whatever clown-fiesta called them here.
I always laugh seeing their trip to CIC, involving them stepping through blood drenched rooms, bulleted riddled hallways and Xeno and Human bodies just laying around in the hallways.
“So, if you claim you drew your sidearm instead of your taser why accident, why did you keep shooting him then?”
Knows what the shitter is up to, and is determined to make him sweat.
Probably more worried about the nonchalance everyone of everyone towards the messy state of the ship rather than the mess itself (this is just how most OP’s go).
More realistic I believe as to what the Provost would be like IRL.
Still impeccably dressed.
Enforcers are there to provide security, intimidate witnesses, and also there to play Uno if the Marshal or Inspector gets bored. Happens more often than you think!
I’ve seen two variants, one dressed more like regular MP’s but with more style and another type in full combat gear, complete with SG’s and a Squad Spec.
The look is fantastic either way, but I’m too busy trying not to talk myself into a death sentence to really enjoy it.
You see the second type you can bet someone is either gonna be executed or waterboarded before the credits roll.
Best you can hope for is that it’s not you they’re looking for.
UA Peacekeepers- “We Never Sleep.”
Showing up as survivors on New Veradero, Fiorina Science Annex, and Solaris, they tend to only appear at locations closely associated and directly controlled by the United Americas.
While no precise canon for them seems to exist, the general consensus seems to be that they represent various private security groups hired by the UA or a stand in for local forces.
With shoulder-lamp equipped armor, helmets, and decent enough rifles their threat level hovers in the same sort of mid-level range as the W-Y Security teams and the Freelancers.
Considering the locations they seem to be hired on in a sort of strikebreaker/ legbreaker capacity, breaking up riots and putting down workers revolts, with them also possibly guarding the NV digsites.
RP with them is usually pretty sparse, with people seeming to favor either some flavor of local SWAT officer, a mysterious MIB contractor, or my personal favorite, Pinkerton style anti-union agitator.
Great looking uniform, with just a Dash of menace with the red cuffs and sinister sec-huds.
With these aesthetics I wonder just what sort of government the UA really is…
The Colonial Marshal Bureau- “The laws of Earth stretch beyond the Sol.”
The Actual Heroes of the story.
Introduced into what’s probably the single best Alien licensed game, the CMB are here to Protect, Serve, and get wiped out by the Xenos before the Almayer gets into orbit.
Probably one of the most common UA aligned factions to see, with them showing up often as survivors, ERT’s, Investigative teams, and corpses.
With the default investigators usually being armed with civilian grade firearms, and their body armor consisting of stylish but otherwise normal jackets, their actual combat power is low.
A beacon of Justice in a setting known to be unkind to idealists.
The Colonial Marshal- For the stranger there among them had a big iron on his hip
The Real Protagonist.
As tough as nails, but giant ass bugs may be slightly outside his expertise.
Not gonna stop him from stomping a mudhole in that alien ass anyways.
Roleplay as the Marshal is fantastic, everything from Texas Rangers, cool headed Federal Agents, Bombastic and Larger than life Lawman, Judge Dredd caricatures, and Andy Griffith type Sheriffs.
Leads what may be the weakest pound for pound ERT, a charismatic Marshal at the right place and time can turn shit right around.
DON’T underestimate this man, his shotgun does as much damage per shot as a fucking sniper rifle.
Queues up his Marty Robbins playlist before really getting the party started.
Has an ace up his sleeve in the form of his Emergency Beacon, summoning the Anchorpoint Marine Cavalry for one last shot at spitting in the Queen’s eye.
If Waits had half the balls I’ve seen these men and women display, he’d have strangled the Sevastopol xeno with his bare fucking hands before Amanda ever showed up.
Let other ERT’s see one xeno and run, a Real Marshal saves as many lives as he can or he dies trying.
Will usually die in the maintenance tunnels before he’s able to really help, but the exceptions make the Marshal shine like his badge.
I’ve seen some amazing Marshal saves, with three separate instances of soloing a Queen off weeds standing out and one of those involving him heading a Posse of non-combatants from lifeboats all the way to brig, with him neither dying or ONCE leaving the frontline.
Did I mention at the end he had lost an arm and was loading and pumping his shotgun one handed?
God’s weakest lawman vs beings designed explicitly to exterminate humanity?
No Contest.
The Deputies- “But I didn’t shoot no deputy”
The Marshal’s trusty sidekicks, aiding him in his quest to protect the innocent and dying in droves when the ungodly monstrosities W-Y’s been cooking up break loose.
Fittingly enough the same merits that make them a bad match vs Xenos make them really good at their actual job of catching criminals, with their high skills and speed letting them get their man, when their jurisdiction allows it.
“IT’S THE FEDS, QUICK FLUSH THE STASH”
The Deputy can arrive on the Almayer in many ways, through living though the initial outbreak as a survivor, or being summoned via shuttle as an investigative team if Requisitions has been having too much fun, or as several different ERTs.
Survivor Deputies can be quite deadly and useful to the ship, often showing up with scavenged weapons, armor, and metal, and have more skills than your average marine.
Investigation teams are usually an ICC liaison accompanied by deputies, with ERT variants being either all deputies and led by The Marshal, or sometimes a Synthetic or Human Rights Observer replacing one or more members.
Those “Whoops all non-combatants” ERT’s really can’t do much other than serve as a hasty getaway.
Generally met with derision when arriving as backup during Hijack, their carrying ability and speed allows them to function as excellent first responders ferrying wounded back to the medics.
A sleeper hit of an ERT in my opinion.
Their shotguns, MP5’s, and Spearhead Revolvers aren’t particularly great, but are perfectly capable of killing lone, overconfident xenomorphs.
They also have the distinction of carrying out 3 of the 5 xeno arrests I’ve ever personally witnessed, the other two being the MP’s and W-Y security.
Imagine the fucking perp walk with a 7 ft tall murder machine, and it happened three times at least.
Don’t ask me how they arrested them, but they did.
W-Y blowing billions on their wacky alien capturing schemes, and all it really takes is three dudes, a cattle prod, and some really heavy handcuffs.
RP is great here as well, everything from Barney Fife and Keystone cop style nincompoops, hard boiled noire detectives, jittery cadets, and Serpico or Jim Gordon style by-the-books good cops.
Some of the few decent guys in a setting filled with monsters, human or otherwise.
Completely out of their depth in regardless to the outbreak, but will still try bringing home as many marines alive as humanly possible.
ICC Liaison and Interstellar Human Rights Observer- “it is the certainty of punishment, not it’s severity that deters criminals.”
Two dudes who’ll you’ll find tagging along with the Marshal and Friends, representing the settings largest trade regulation entity and independent non-governmental oversight bodies respectively.
Considering the sheer amount of batshit insane crime that occurs onboard these two have no fucking idea of what they’re walking into.
The ICC liaison usually strolls into the middle of a Watergate level coverup, with mass document burnings straight out of the collapse of a dictatorship being pretty hilariously common.
“What the actual fuck is going on here?”
Meanwhile the Human Rights Observer is just sitting there ABSOLUTLY HORRIFIED as the CMP sets down the reason for him being called in on the plate in front of him. (The chef has cooked and eaten several people).
The ICC liaison is uncommon to see but not unusual, the Human Rights Observer is much rarer.
Honestly, there are no two people less suited for the Circle of Hell that is the Almayer.
RP for both is great, usually being portrayed as decent, ordinary people who are then thrown face first into meatgrinder that is this ship, and come out the other side mentally scarred for life.
That is, if they’re lucky enough to make it off alive at all.
Honestly with the amount of even SANCTIONED crime that happens onboard, actually persecuting someone feels like it would be damn near impossible.
The HRO seems to be a perfectly decent guy trying to make a difference, unfortunately for him this is the Aliens verse packed with ruthless authoritarian governments and corrupt megacorporations, so change is unlikely to occur anytime soon.
Judging by some dialogue in the movies, the ICC liaison serves a vitally important role, with him trying to keep these dipshit evil corporations from trying to smuggle glowing rocks, alien eggs, engineered viruses or whatever other vile shit these assholes are dumb enough to try and make a buck off of into civilian stations or colonies.
Boy we can see how well THAT keeps turning out.
Both are in for an uphill struggle, I wonder if they realize just how uphill?
These poor guys are really in the wrong setting.
Then again, they do say that God’s Mill grinds Slowly but Surely, and the comics show that the corpos may not be able dodge Lady Justice forever.
Here’s hoping Amanda and Zula rub some dirt in Karl’s eye.
Thanks for reading, and maybe I’ll see you out there on patrol. Part three of the Trilogy will feature everyone’s favorite orange clad thugs and the TWE bobbies.
BAD BOYS THEME preformed by the Inner Circle
Special thanks to the Neriod Sector Law Enforcement groups and the Men and Women of their Departments.