It’s done. After months upon months of observing, antagonizing, and finally, infiltrating I’ve finally done it. I have finished my study, and and now ready to share my findings with you, the Adoring Public. And it is a doozy, shedding light on the Dark Heart of a place you’ll usually only see from the other side of that reinforced glass door, The Brig. This is a guide of the eccentricities and practices of the USS Almayer’s shipside military police department, from their natural habitat, (the break room) their typical diet, (Frosted Donuts) and their prey of choice. (The Private out of uniform) I take no responsibility for any shenanigans, bamboozling, or hijinks that result from information gained from this guide.
Viewer discretion is advised.
The Archetypes-
The Good Cop- “Law is Order, and Good Law is Good Order.”
The First of the Two Wolves inside you.
The model all new MP’s aspire to, patient, caring, compassionate, and just.
Knows Marine Law inside and out, executes procedure flawlessly.
Balances compassion with justice, knows when to NJP and when to bring the Hammer down.
Liked by the Enlisted, perhaps the only MP who is.
Robust and Efficient, carrying the rest of the department on his back.
I hear players claim he doesn’t exist, they are wrong, like all heroes he is made in a moment.
Accepts the officers appeal decision without complaint.
The Elias to the Shitcurity’s Barnes.
Not angry, just disappointed.
While I may never equal him, knowing he exists is enough to make me continue to try.
The Cadet- “Student Driver, Be Patient”
One of the biggest unintentional fuckups on the server, and a terrific source of comedy.
It’s fine, we were all them at one point.
Can’t catch a fleeing UNGA to save his life, usually turns up missing his beret, boots, and baton.
RP can vary, I’ve seen stereotypes ranging from London Bobby, Correctional Officer, Warhammer 40K Commissar, Half Life Civil Protection, to Noir Detective.
Hazy on Marine Law and SOP, outfoxed by PFC’s and the CL often.
Either overcompensates by hounding marines about uniform violations, or completely forgoes procedure by running around in other people’s clothes with a rifle stolen from prep.
The one I see most being chewed out by the CMP or SEA for tazing a marine for having a similar name to the perp, or hounding the CL to search his office(The CL is guilty, but he can’t know that)
Confused but has the spirit, usually a barrel of laughs.
The Intermediate- “The Law is Harsh, but it’s the Law.”
The one most of us end up being.
Not happy with the order’s he’s been given, but duty bound to follow them.
Resigned to following the demented arrest whims of the lower ranking officers.
Would like to use NJP’s but is regularly foiled by officer ordered arrests overruling him.
Not a Bap Cop, but not a great one either.
One of the first to get glomped when the Greeno’s go rogue.
Serves as everything from a bodyguard to a glorified Secretary in CIC.
“MP’s to medbay!”
“SET TO RED!”
Never really goes FOB guarding, even when given the chance.
Yearns for a MP rework.
The Sitter- “Any second now…”
Sitting at the concession! Plotting his oppression!
Not really plotting, just alt-tabbed or on their phone.
An oddly common MP type, just waiting around for something to happen really.
Common habitats are as follows; The Briefing Room Sec Checkpoints, CIC’s entry area, the medical lobby booth, the lifeboat control bubble, and sometimes the Cannon control rooms.
Anywhere other than the brig really.
Easily mistaken for SSD, but they sleep with one eye open.
Springs into action when the call comes in, whether arrest or hijacking.
Funnily enough one of the more successful types of MP’s in my experience, as rather than run all over Hell looking for a suspect, they just plop their ass down in maints and wait for them to show up.
One of the most likely people to get the larva, after Research or that one random ass Chef or MT.
The Antlion or Trapdoor Spider of the department.
The first to get blasted when boarders show up.
The one most similar in attitude to actual police.
The Shitter/Shitcurity- “I joined the Military Police to kill people.”
The reason everybody hates the MP’s.
We’ve all met at least one of them.
The Second Wolf, in a battle with the first over your immortal soul, you cannot let him win.
If he wants to arrest you, you will be arrested, he will find a reason.
The one who sends a whiny letter to the Provost when your appeal is accepted.
Every. Single. Time.
The one actively looking for a reason to arrest somebody, will instigate if crime is low.
Can be classified into two types, the first outright griefs and doesn’t last long, the other is too clever to be caught easily, and keeps his bullshit within the realm of legality.
The difference between a Psychopath and a Sociopath, the second being MUCH more insidious.
The 1% of germs hand sanitizer doesn’t kill.
Loathed by marines and coworkers alike, doesn’t care.
Loves to bug the CL’s office, just for something to do.
Thrives off of negativity, is fueled by your anger and vitriol.
Is out to ruin your day, try not to let him.
The Sleeper- “Zzzzzzzz,Zzzzzzz” “Honk Shoooo, Honk Shooooo.”
The one actually SDD.
If your wondering how the liaison is got that encryption key, or why random marines have MP gear, this man is the culprit.
Usually found stripped ass naked in some god-forsaken corner of the ship.
Places I’ve actually fucking found them over various rounds; Naked in random maintenance tunnels, SSD in the Commanders Bunk, Passed out in ARES somehow, passed out in the Telecomms servers, trapped in the Liaisons Secret Chamber, trapped in the Research Quarantine Chambers, trapped behind the Uniform Shutters, Trapped in the Engineering Secure Storage.
Fucking how?
The Fobbit- “It’s a Dangerous Business Frodo, going out your front door…”
As uncommon to spot as their namesake, but they do exist.
Weirdly rare, not sure why more MP’s don’t jump at the chance to do something.
“Hey, what the fuck is the MP doing here?”
The least hostile interactions I’ve had as an MP, after the initial confusion.
Marines are quick to banter with you, guess they’re just happy your making yourself useful.
Far from a game changer even with better gear, mostly useful as an extra set of eyes in FOB.
Can come in clutch for wounded marines thanks to better armor and the ability to carry people.
Fourth time I’ve heard the phrase, “Thank God, an MP.” The others being during a Mutiny, a Goon/PMC shootout in the CL’s office, and a Pred raid on research.
Probably the most useful I’ve been to the overall operation as an MP.
A nice break for both sides from the Tom and Jerry bullshit.
The Honour Guard- “Of their loyalty to me, there shall be no question nor doubt”
Preps Klendathu Drop with malicious intent.
GET DOWN MR. PRESIDENT
Either a Victory Lap with the Commander or a desperate last grasp at winning.
They either preform well and live through till the end, or end up dead within thirty seconds of contact.
There are no alternatives.
An annoying rare chance, as many Commanders prefer to dive right into the action without backup when they do deploy.
For God’s sake take us with you, you stubborn bastard.
Not always enough to save the commander, but sometimes fate smiles on you.
Usually deploys too late to save the operation, but they and the Commander have managed some impressive turnarounds.
Will leap into the Jaws of Death to drag the CO to safety, and die to avenge him.
With Stunning shotguns and the Commanders IFF rifle, they make for a potent force.
“The Way of the Warrior is found in dying.”
Should steal a couple more pages out of the WO Honor Guards book, particularly the better drip.
The most combat an MP will ever see outside of Hijack.
Will be the final nail in the coffin, one way or another…
Hopefully this list will be useful to you all in the future, or at least sheds some light on the way things are run in the brig. Some types I’ve run into were omitted for length, or just due to the rarity of seeing them. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for more, but now it’s time to go underground before the Provost gets wind and pays me a visit with Mateba in hand. Godspeed all.
